Top 10 jag off lines

After seeing the Rather brothers recent Top 10 lists I would be remissed if I didn't contribute my own. I know all of you have that older cousin, uncle or family friend who you cling to at pseudo serious functions for an escape from grueling, intellectual conversation from the superiors who don't wish to explain yourself to. "So Putter, tell us about your summer internship at IMG?" You get the point, usually these are rattled off the tongue with a cold cocktail or beer resting comfortably their hand. It's a simple, Cleveland errr Midwestern escape from being serious and just living in the now.

10. Does the pope wear a funny hat?
This is one is simple, simple, simple. Usually a guy will say this after he is asked something he deems just ridiculous, such as "Hey man...you want another beer?"

9. Tall hat and...no cattle
Used when you are ripping on someone that talks a big game but has very little to show for it.

8. Hotdog down a hallway.
Usually this is said when you're sitting around telling your buddies about some slut you stuffed, who's been stuffed many times before.

7. Dress for the job that you want, not the one you have.
Even if you work in a mail room dress sharp because you never know who's looking and might be refer you for another job.

6. Lock your daughters up, it's Thirsty Thursday.
This is said by complete meatheads who are spring breaking in Ft. Lauderdale, Lake Havasu or South Padre (Party) Island and attend schools such as Penn State, Arizona State, Bowling Green, UConn and Slippery Rock.

5. Why don't you shave your dog's ass and teach it to walk backwards?
Totally something an Italian wop (with out papers, reference to Ellis Island) would say out of stupidity with no relevance to anything, a bail out if you will, in times of uncertainty.

4. What did mama die from? TOO much sauce.
Sorry for the Cleveland bias on this one but it can apply to any city you reside in. In short there was a place called Mama's Boy that served late nub grub and you could ask the cashier that knowing the answer would be "too much sauce" it was a great way to strike familarity with the patrons of this former eatery and get your food order before others for being appreciative of the roots. I guess Mama's Boy did indeed pass away from eating too much of the sweet, delectable bbq sauce or so the urban legend goes.

3. Love the one you're with.
This one is titled after some Steely Dan classic or 70's hard rock classic (can't recall). Maybe you tell your cousin you're trying to hit some spicy girl even though you have a girlfriend, thus his answer.

2. Stepping over dollars to save pennies.
You can say this to your buddies when they're being really cheap and only throwing 3 dollars in on a keg of Beast Light instead of ponying up and paying 7 or 8 dollars each and getting something a little better. Sometimes going out of your way is counter productive and in the end doesn't mean shit.

1. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Maybe your dad drank Mad Dog in College and one of your uncles gets wind that you're being a hood rat also and taking after his hideous habits, or maybe your uncle tells you your dad was notorious for hogging and you immediately become depressed because you crave fat chicks also.

"Know Your Role"

These words had to have been said by Cavaliers coach Mike Brown to Larry Hughes sometime before or during the second quarter of Monday's game four.

What a different player he was after the first quarter in which he went 2-for-7 from the field. In the same quarter, LeBron attempted only one shot and made it. There are few instances in which Hughes can take more shots than LeBron and get away with it, and dribbling down the court and creating his own shot without any passes is not one.

Hughes was quoted this week in Sports Illustrated talking about playing point guard, and said, "Coach [Mike Brown] told me he wanted to have the ball in my hands earlier in the shot clock so I can make more plays for my teammates. As a point guard I can get any shot whenever I want it."

Is it just me or do those two sentences starkly contrast?

The second sentence was Hughes in the first quarter, "creating his shots" and making it easy for the Nets to transition.

The first sentence was closer to Hughes the rest of the game. Although he only had one assist in the game, and has only 11 in the series, he gave the ball up to his teammates, or rather, his teammate from SVSM. He wasn't necessarily making plays for his teammates, but he was helping by not trying to make plays by himself.

While I have been anti-Hughes all season, I see his value in the playoffs. I nearly bite my lip off everytime he has the ball, but his value on defense is huge.

I don't at all think he is a bad player, but this temporary fix with him at PG is a stretch. Just look at his inlet passes to Ilgauskas and Gooden. I like him much more as a wing player who, when passed the ball, knocks down open shots. (Ex. Left baseline int he third quarter)

The only problem with moving him to the wing means Eric Snow will play more. Hughes does everything Snow can do at PG, but is a better defender and knocks down open shots. This has to be what Mike Brown sees, and has decided that having shooters Hughes and Sasha Pavlovic on the floor is the best situation.

If only he had a little more experience in the league, I would love to see Daniel Gibson running the point with Hughes and LeBron on the wing and Pavlovic off the bench.

I'll go along with Mike Brown's set though, as long as LeBron is the one that has the ball in his hands earlier in the shot clock.

Prediction for game 5: Z finds his flow and rains buckets. The Big Fella goes off for 26 points and 16 boards as he finally asserts himself in the playoffs and the Cavaliers win 95-86. I never thought I'd say this, but Drew Gooden is carrying us through the playoffs along with LeBron right now. What a fine time for a little Lithuania.

Suspend Robert Horry for the rest of his career except for fourth quarters.

War on Jose Jimenez.

"Tonight the wine & gold deliver, hard workin' town, hard workin' team...

That was a great game. I am huge fan of Sasha Pavlovic. I loved how he was mouthing "I am going to f*ck you up" to Mikki Moore. Moore has been such a degenerate the whole series and had not done a thing until tonight. Even better, however, was Sasha's reaction to VC talking shit the whole way down the court. This was incredible and Sasha waved his finger to his ear and said I can't hear and just laughed and VC jawed in his face the whole way down the court. I also liked how Lebron stepped up and started talking shit to Moore until he had to restrain him when Pavlovic went postal. This is all a part of playoff basketball but it is good to see someone get pissed consistently and bring some attitude where it is lacking. Z, Hughes, and Bron won't do it. Pavlovic epitomizes the hard working spirit of Cleveland and the "take no prisoners" attitude that so many of its citizens embrace. We are 7-1 in the playoffs and that's all we can take away from it. Beggars can't be choosers and as fans of Cleveland sports, we need to recognize this run for what it is and not nitpick about certain negative points. It could be much worse. Mikki and Vince Carter were put in their place and it feels good. The Q will be electric on weds night.

YOU WON'T.

Chris Berman's Top Ten Plays of the Week (Only there are more than ten, rarely plays, and it's not a weekly segment) 5/14/07 Edition

I just got done watching sportscenter. I was happy to see Boomer decided to come into the studio and give his "Top Ten Plays of the Week" which is never ten and very rarely consists of actual plays. It should also be noted it does not run every week but only when Boomer decides to come in for the NFL or other special Sundays, like Masters Sunday (so he can wear his green blazer and make the same joke every year), and in this case - Mothers' Day. So, once you break it down, basically all of the words in the title of the segment are inaccurate. I know some fellow contributors have made jokes and conversation about this in the past but this week's edition lived up to the segment's reputation. Today's edition of "top ten" did not disappoint as usual. This is actually what they were without any of my embellishments for comedic purposes. (I did take quick notes once I saw the road he was heading down).

10 - A softball pitcher from Tennessee setting the new record for wins in NCAA softball (Not a play).

9 - Derek Fisher's emotional return to Game Two of the Jazz- Warriors series after a cancer surgery for his daughter in NYC earlier that day (Again, not a sports play).

8 - Various outfield assists in which a runner was called out at a play at the plate. I believe 3 or 4 were shown and focused on Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino. Berman showed this because he was actually at the game calling it for ESPN so it was quite self-serving in that he could show the clip of his own call on what basically happens every day in baseball. Victorino is also the second Hawaiian to ever play in MLB and Berman obviously thought this was an nice little nugget of info, worthy of top ten status and a tacky punch line of "he threw that one all the way from Waikelua, Maui!!" It is my personal belief he made this a top ten clip so he could use that terrible line. (Again, this was not one, but multiple plays, apparently just assigned to the #8 "play" slot)

7 - Baron Davis' dunk on Andrei Kirilenko. This was an amazing play, worthy of a top spot.

6 - The famous 17th Island Hole at TPC at Sawgrass. Various clips of shots going in the water were shown (Golf hole = not a play).

5 - They took a commercial break at the half way point and I got wrapped up in a Law and Order: SVU on USA Network. I turned back as play 5 was ending but all I saw was Sheep eating out of a trough of farm feed and Berman saying "...anything for a free meal!!" I don't know what the particular clip was but it was definitely not sports related and an event is not a singular play.

4 - A montage of various NHL highlights from the week. This consisted of multiple plays from multiple games from multiple playoff series.

3 - A montage of 4 very good MLB catches in the outfield. Including plays made by Torii Hunter and Carl Crawford. Multiple players and games were shown.

2 - A segment showing the double eagles made at the TPC tour event this week. There were two of them on different holes.

1 - Mothers' Day. Various shots of mothers sitting in the crowd at baseball games, basketball games, and other sporting events. Sports clips shown including A-Rod wearing a pink wrist band and MLB players hitting home runs with pink bats. This was not a play, nor singular.

As this clearly shows, Berman is a fat caricature of a "journalist" and this segment is laugh-out-loud funny every time.

Hey Caddy!

I wish to share some observations I noticed on the caddy culture at Canterbury Golf Club. Upon arriving I say my hellos to the regular guys who have been there forever and have made it "Up north" again after spending the winter months caddying at a Florida club. This is a very regular occurrence for caddies in Cleveland and I am sure other northern or Midwestern states also. I noticed the first question everyone asks each other is "How was your winter?" They ask it as if it was tough to survive in Cleveland or anywhere else and it' s such a relief that they can return to Canterbury again, be safe and make some money. I conjured up images in my head of Moscow, Russia or somewhere like that where it would be a tough winter and just replied to everyone that yes I survived. I am thankful I have a real job coming up and this will probably be the last week I carry someone's golf bag other than my own and I will never have to "chase carts" with a wet towel and ask someone if they need a "wipe on the green" (terminology for washing a guy or girl's ball off of sand, small grass and other debris). I have found that usually it is so dire for someone to have a clean ball and it really increases their chances of draining a ten or twenty yard "snake" (put). In actuality though they usually three put, boy I am so glad I gave them that wipe that they so desperately needed.
Sitting on the bench waiting to get out I observed a lot of interesting stories (themes maybe) and I will share these with you:

-Caddies despise other colleagues reading books while waiting. Knowledge is a bad thing. A sports section of the paper is good to read but the Metro section might be stretching it.
-Their is a conspiracy everywhere against caddies getting gainful employment everywhere and the city of Cleveland doesn't allot jobs to caddies, the government and economy in Cleveland sucks!
-Caddies have simple palates and a lot of them don't like food outside of steak joints. They hate sushi and prefer Kraft macaroni, ham sandwhices and SpaghettiOs. Why would you go to a Indian or Thai restaraunt you fag?
-They like sharing how much they earn. One caddy, TDubs informed me that with his six loop this week he bumped his average loop up to $100. I forgot to tell him that I care.
-One guy named Pete bartended Sunday and Wednesday nights at a place called "Rummy's". While I am glad he had this gig, how on earth can anyone survive on a two day a week job?
-So and so's wife is a huge bitch and all she is good at is spending his money.
-The city of San Francisco is outrageously expensive and queer, who could survive there?
-One caddy said that the Cavs suck and hopes they lose. Who would wish a hometown team loses in the Playoffs I thought to myself, what a weirdo.
-If you don't smoke cigarettes you're a little weird for being so healthy.
-Local college athletes from the local John Carroll (tough athletic conference) are heroes and will get out a lot quicker than everyone else.

I am so pissed at everything about game 3.

As long as Larry Hughes is shooting, I am screaming.

Greg Anthony, along with the rest of the national media, is on the Cavs' back and I couldn't be happier. LeBron is gonna slap his junk in their faces and it will be glorious. As long as New Jersey isn't paying off the little C-Rag refs in game four, I will be watching on my television set.

Go Cavs. Screw people who spell their first name Mikky.

War on Jose Jimenez.

Top 11 Songs I Like to Pregame/Party to

11. Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex
10. Salt shaker - Ying Yan Twins
9. 3am - Of a Revolution
8. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
7. Sandstorm - Darude
T6. Living on a Prayer- Jon Bon Jovi
T6. Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy - Big and Rich
4. Crazy Game of... - Of a Revolution
3. Hey Girl - Of a Revolution
2. Numb - Linkin Park
1. About an Hour Ago - Of a Revolution

Come Stronger

Cleveland Sports Radio

The best part about being on another continent is that you dont always get to watch the games you want to watch, but you get to listen to them. And theres nothing like the voice of the Cavs, Joe Tait, and the voice of the Tribe, Tom Hamilton. It's priceless to get to listen to these two announce a game, filled with so much pride for their respective teams. The other great part is you get to hear whats going on in the local Cleveland scene, whether it be Tait or Hammy giving their opinions or stories, or the local advertisements during a break.

I listened to Game 2 of the Cavs-Nets series on The BIG One, WTAM 1100, and this is what I found interesting:

-Tait always refers to the referees by their names, and I love it. At one point one of the refs was out of position to make a call, and he exclaimed, "Bennett Salvatore just made that call from Bay Village." I enjoyed this because he used a somewhat

respectable location of Cleveland, and did not say Avon or South Euclid, that would have been a disgrace. He could have fine tuned it if he pronounced it as 'Simple Village.'

-When he takes a break, there really is nothing like it when he says, "The Cleveland Cavaliers Radio Basketball Network."

-Tait, even in his 35th year with the Cavs, can still relate to the young guys. He referred to rookie Daniel Gibson by his nickname of 'Boobie', which his mother gave hime.

-He gave us some inside information on a guy named John who works the gates at The Q. He was happy to report that John had found a job at the Brooklyn Recreation Center for the offseason, because as Tait said, "Summer is drawing near and we dont want John aimlessly walking through the streets of Cleveland as he has before."

-Every break there was a commercial for the Lake Erie Monsters, Cleveland's new AHL Hockey Team, an affiliate of the Colorado Avalanche.

"The Monsters arrive October 2007, get your tickets before they sell out." Believe

-Its always great when he sends it down to Mike Schneider for some odd notes about the game.

-Austin Carr cannot be understood on the radio, he just laughs and mumbles the whole time, but you still gotta love AC. Anybody know on the whereabouts of his son Jason? Last seen in Solon gymnasium in his final game as a US Prepper.

Great site for Tait calls, best one is the second call on the Fantastic Finishes, the famous "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he comes from Lubbock, Texas!"

http://www.nba.com/cavaliers/multimedia/Joe_Taits_Greatest_Calls-59408-44.html

In other news, how about Bron getting snubbed from the first team? Thats just a disgrace.

I'll be in Barcelona for the next few days with some pals, our hostel is on the beach, and we know the exact location of a 2 euro shot bar. Tough life.

Have a good night Evverryyybody!

IT'S DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL!!!!! go play intramurals, brotha

***Save the date***
America's preeminent set of twins that are also Jewish Comedians, the Sklar Brothers (First names-Randy, Jason) will be hosting the Jim Rome Show tomorrow. That is all.

Read Free Darko's take on our boy 'Bron 'Bron demanding the ball, good stuff. http://freedarko.blogspot.com/

Too much Barkley

T Mobile and TNT has given Charles way too much face time. If I never saw one of the Favorite 5 commercials ever again it would still be too soon. Charles and Michael Irvin are on my short list for washed up, hated celebrity athletes (please insert yours). It seems each year they've spent away from the game their legacy increases and I despise both for repeatedly calling out current players who carry much more promise than they did in their prime. I hate seeing their ugly faces, their commentary, wardrobe, and demeanor at large.

The sad thing is T Mobile is letting Sir Charles make money off D Wade in those commercials. By giving him some pocket cash to feed his addictions of betting, drinking and trying to play golf. He needs to put his clubs away and find a new hobby. Has anyone seen that swing of his? It's got more holes in it than Brad Daugherty's face, he needs to take it up to Ace Hardware or Home Depot and get it sharpened up if he continues to ebarass himself. I'm guessing he should go to the latter because he could probably get more of a discount there ( if you know what I mean).